Blog - Johnny Hewerdine | Real Estate

Johnny’s Insider: Market Update (what in the Vecna is going on out there?)

OK humanoids, who unintentionally unlatched “The Gate” and sent London through a portal to an interdimensional, Upside-Down buyer’s market? SELLFIRE CLUB After a four-year selling extravaganza, it appears we have instantly (within days) Hopper’d into a dark and fluffy buyer’s market. This type of expeditious mutation is unheard of and has left us more mystified […]
Lifestyle

The Forbidden Two-Part Article That Will Sock Your Knocks Off (PART TWO: What Does Your Front Door Colour Say About You?)

READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED This unauthorized article is “verifiably” accurate and will send a pulsating shockwave through your body. If you exhibit dud-like symptoms, you may break out in hives of disgust. COMINGS-ON BEHIND COLOURED FRONT DOORS It is truly astonishing how a door can unravel the salacious truth about your personality and lifestyle (whether […]
Lifestyle

The Forbidden Two-Part Article That Will Sock Your Knocks Off (PART ONE: 6 Signs Your Home Is Exuding Swinger Vibes)

Hang on to the loins of your fruit; we are going to explore two radical topics that have been subjectively banned by the dudbeats of real estate (you ‘may or may not’ know who you are!). These unauthorized real estate tips are imperative to helping you find the perfect home with the perfect neighbours. PROLOGUE […]
Real Estate Bidding Wars: The Winning Formula Exposed (and how to be victorious!)

YES, you read that correctly; I have developed a formula that will grant you the ultimate advantage when buying a home in London’s volatile real estate market, and I am going to share it with you in this two part article, for FREE! Why am I sharing this secret? The answer is simple; your home-succulent […]

Johnny’s Insider: Market Update (what in the Vecna is going on out there?) OK humanoids, who unintentionally unlatched “The Gate” and sent London through a portal to an interdimensional, Upside-Down buyer’s market? SELLFIRE CLUB After a four-year selling extravaganza, it appears we have instantly (within days) Hopper’d into a dark and fluffy buyer’s market. This type of expeditious mutation is unheard of and has left us more mystified […]

Lifestyle The Forbidden Two-Part Article That Will Sock Your Knocks Off (PART TWO: What Does Your Front Door Colour Say About You?) READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED This unauthorized article is “verifiably” accurate and will send a pulsating shockwave through your body. If you exhibit dud-like symptoms, you may break out in hives of disgust. COMINGS-ON BEHIND COLOURED FRONT DOORS It is truly astonishing how a door can unravel the salacious truth about your personality and lifestyle (whether […]

Lifestyle The Forbidden Two-Part Article That Will Sock Your Knocks Off (PART ONE: 6 Signs Your Home Is Exuding Swinger Vibes) Hang on to the loins of your fruit; we are going to explore two radical topics that have been subjectively banned by the dudbeats of real estate (you ‘may or may not’ know who you are!). These unauthorized real estate tips are imperative to helping you find the perfect home with the perfect neighbours. PROLOGUE […]

Real Estate Bidding Wars: The Winning Formula Exposed (and how to be victorious!) YES, you read that correctly; I have developed a formula that will grant you the ultimate advantage when buying a home in London’s volatile real estate market, and I am going to share it with you in this two part article, for FREE! Why am I sharing this secret? The answer is simple; your home-succulent […]

Home 9 Questions To Ask That Beamy, Steamy, Realtor Of Your Dreamy (question #9 is all you really need to knowy!) Some (mostly me) say that questing for the perfect realtor and hunting for your soulmate is one and the same. Some also say (again, mostly just me) that if you have a habit of making regrettable decisions in love, then you’ll make poor choices when selecting a realtor. With over 2200 realtors in the London-St. […]

Home QUIZ: The 7 Stages of Homebuyer’s Grief (where my home-ies at?) WARNING This article may cause anti-humourists to experience feelings of anger, resentment, and arousal. Reader discretion is advised. HOMELET To buy, or not to buy… To sell, or not to sell… To burn down my house for insurance, or not to burn down my house for insurance… Are these really the questions you want the […]

Lifestyle GOTCH THE GITCH? Top 10 Things To Love About Saskatoon (and why its Real Estate market might make your pelvis pulsate!) Why Saskatoon? Well, before we delve into real estate stats and hilarious innuendos, I’ll give you a breakdown of how this article came to be. Don’t go anywhere; I promise to make it fun and borderline offensive. “NEVER SAY NEVER” It had been 20 years since my hasty habitation in Toon Town, and truth be […]

Home Possibly the Most Boring Real Estate Article of All-Time…SEXIFIED! Though I must confess that the idea of writing about floors was as thrilling as a snuggle of sloths playing strip poker (if sloths could do such a thing), I am now prepared to admit I was dead wrong, and that floors are indeed a sexy inspiration! Whether you’re in pursuit of the perfect partner, […]

Home 3 Hip Thrusting Real Estate Blurbs That Will Make The Status Quo Squirm Settle in, my innovative thirst quencher, as I am going to share with you a few of my general listing descriptions that were deemed over-stimulating by the feckless monsters of mediocrity. These dud-barians strived to subjectively censor and/or edit my work, depriving you of the full John Edward Hewerdine III real estate experience (which you […]

Home 7 Tips for Scribbling the Quintessential Real Estate Letter (#7 will separate the studs from the duds) Home Buyers! Listen delicately as leaves rustle through a panting breeze. If you hear whispers of hope travelling through the naked wind, proceed with caution as this may bend your ear to the brink of insanity. Those that fall victim to the belief that the heartfelt letter will trim the bush of competition, hack the […]

Home Tyrant to Champion: How to Prosper as a Landlord and Proliferate Your Wealth (with honour!) “Historians of Real Estate will say I am a liar, but history is written by those who have hung heroes.” – John Edward Hewerdine III If you’re a bodacious baroness, a valiant viscount, or a rustic boor transcending into the realm of magnificence, I beg you to give heed and dispatch your riders with urgent […]

Home The Real Estate Investment That Will Tickle Your Taste Buds (and more…) Lie down and lean in, as I am about to whisper sweet somethings into your ear. I’m uncloaking an investment so provocative and sensuous it’ll force you into a state of mania. I’m about to lay bare a residential structure so tantalising and alluring, that even I was seduced down on one knee, slipping on […]

Lifestyle The #1 Quality That Boss Babes Look for in a Man (Real Estate 101) There are important qualities that an ambitious woman will look for in a man: financial stability, washboard abs, and don’t forget a very expensive life insurance policy… but what’s the ultimate quality that really gets a head honcha’s heart palpitating? HOME OWNERSHIP. London is riddled with strong independent women that own homes, and are looking […]

Home ‘Growing’ Concerns That Buyers Should Consider When Purchasing A Home TREES! TREES! TREES! Wood you be-leaf there are over 7 million trees in the Forest City? That equals approximately 16.2 trees per Londoner. Compare this to Toronto, a city with approximately 11.5 million trees. This only equals 3.9 trees per Torontonian. In-tree-ged? Breathe in that sweet oxygen, Joe London! Urban foliage is vital in keeping […]

Home ‘Watt’ You Need to Know About Residential Wiring YES, the rumours are true; ladies love a tradesman… and licensed electricians are at the top of the list (allegedly) Electrical work can be daunting and dangerous for amateurs, but with me in your corner it doesn’t have to be. As a fully licensed electrician with over 9000 hours of required training successfully completed, my […]