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READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
This unauthorized article is “verifiably” accurate and will send a pulsating shockwave through your body. If you exhibit dud-like symptoms, you may break out in hives of disgust.
COMINGS-ON BEHIND COLOURED FRONT DOORS
It is truly astonishing how a door can unravel the salacious truth about your personality and lifestyle (whether you chose the colour or not). Knowing the ins-and-outs of each colour will be vital in helping you attract like-minded neighbours, avoid sending mixed messages, and even increase the value of your home (a front door colour that contrasts with your home’s exterior can increase resale value up to $6,000).
So, what does your front door colour say about you?
BLACK
Welcome to Darth Vader’s dungeon of dangerous delights. Elegant with a pinch of power, your battle station is most impressive and will facilitate all of your secret affairs and fantasies. Stylish and strong, your home’s décor is designed in the most expensive leathers, the finest of art, and the rarest of kyber crystals. A fleet of Ford Model Ts and black Pontiac Trans Ams are at your disposal. Polite and regal, your black door makes you fascinating to those around you. Dominant and authoritative, you rule the neighbourhood watch program with an iron fist (with only one weakness: your newly discovered children). Uninvited guests beware; your lack of faith will not bring order to the intergalactic neighbourhood.
BROWN
A paradise of uncomplicated pleasures; your hidey-hole is an oasis for garment-burning hipsters. Environmentally friendly, you bask in the simplicity of unrefined elements. Your self-indulgent décor consists of handmade beanbag chairs, earthy materials, real greenery accents and stone accessories. Your kitchen floor is clod, sod and odd. Your powder room is a wooden outhouse and your backyard is designed to host mud-wrestling tournaments. Tandem adult bicycles and slugger bugs are your human haulage of choice. Gardening your own carrots reduces flatulence and keeps you vibrant and energetic. Every morning you guess the Turdle in six tries and post your results on Fartbook. Genuine and dependable, your neighbours always come first. Honest and truthful, you despise pyramid schemes and unsolicited door-to-door real estate agents.
WHITE
Mysterious by nature, your neighbours wonder if you can fulfill their deepest and titillating desires. Simple and elegant, your home is salted with a refined décor of tailored furnishings, luxurious materials, sumptuous accessories, and a single glass cage. Neat and organized, your illustrious kitchen pantry stores nourishment in a strategically stacked Tupperware container system. Polished to perfection, your Mercedes is immaculate with the inside covered in a layer of latex protection. Mindful and wise, you rely on logic to solve any precarious problem. You’re a perfectionist, making sure every last nook and cranny of your home is scrubbed after a long night of evidence cleansing. Careful and meticulous, the authorities call you Mr. and/or Mrs. Clean. Not a speck of dust, pinprick of pubic hair, smudge of fingerprints, or drop of blood can be found in your home (pending further investigation). Virginal and loyal, your ability to take secrets to the grave is uncanny.
RED
Roll out the vigorous red carpet; nothing ignites passion more than a painted red door. Virile and voguish, your home is riddled with red walls, white leather couches, bookshelves, hidden movie rooms, red Corvettes and fountains of gushing red wine. Bold and inviting, no undergarment will go unpeeled when you launch into a sexy saxophone solo that fills more than just the ear. You’re the center of attention at parties, using your nude frame as a charcuterie board for peckish guests. Outgoing and assertive, no one can resist the contagious energy of your uncooked steak. Impulse, power and flair: the world is your boiled lobster.
GREEN
Tranquility at its finest. Your peace-loving environment is so relaxing it feels permanently infused with Cannabidiol (CBD). Masculine and conservative, your curated décor is timeless and sturdy, designed to withstand the gyrating test of time. Fresh and fertile, your kitchen is stocked with avocados, kiwifruit and extra-long cucumbers. Open minded and adventurous, you rarely sweat the small stuff and never pull out… of an opportunity to get high on danger. Everyone considers you a fashionable aristocrat associated with jazz music and sexy cars, but you prefer to cast off the shackles of society and operate a gently used van through the treacherous rustbelt. Immersed in the thirst, St. Patrick’s Day is your time to shine. Fogged from the grog, your exclusive parties are raging moaners. Innovative and creative, you’ve perfected the art of being your authentic self; neighbours love you and grey door owners want to be you.
GREY
Welcome to dud town, population you! Favouring grey shows you feel insecure and inadequate. You strive to fly under the radar and go unnoticed, especially at boisterous body benders. You overcompensate with a décor of tasteless paintings and uneconomical furnishings. Rock stew and sludge can be found in your refrigerator. You’re a try-hard of immense proportions and your attempt to be creative is forced and insincere. Grey is a sign of jealousy and envy, and oftentimes you think of adding a hint of green to your door in hopes to transform into a fun-loving socialite. Manners and etiquette are important to you, but only when it is used for pure evil. You’re closed-minded in the boudoir; even the mere mention of the words “hip” and “thrust” will offend you. You’re a self-proclaimed ‘out-of-the-box thinker’ who despises anyone who upstages your false sense of inventiveness. Naturally unfair and subjective, your trademark is unsophisticated diplomacy.
YELLOW
Happy-go-lucky, your home’s contemporary décor emulates the sight of erect daisies in bloom. Although some consider your taste in colourful furniture eccentric, others see it as an explosion of flavour. Bright and cheery, you spread your curtains open to allow sunshine to penetrate your windows (and to invite Nosey Nellie neighbours to peek in on your Big Bird role-play soirees). A ’66 Ford Galaxie can be found parked in your garage, ready to pump suburban speed barriers at the peel of a banana. You’re a morning person who loves waking up to a rooster cock-a-doodle-doing. Creative with high expectations, you provide your guests with unique and effective aphrodisiacs: raw eggs, corn on the knob and freshly squeezed lemons.
BLUE
Cold as ice, your home décor has a feeling of melancholy with frosty colours and vintage art inherited from Granny’s collection. Some think you’re frugal by keeping the temperature cold, but your true motive is to lure paramours into your acclimatized chamber of love. Calm and cool, your obsession with the Blue Man Group is hair-raising. When you listen to Elvis’ ‘Blue Suede Shoes’, it unleashes your ‘lust for the thrust’. A refrigerated van is your vehicle of choice, preventing blood flow to bodily areas of distraction. Stable and reliable, you’ll take your neighbours’ blue bin to the curb when propositioned. Be cautious: your insatiable desire for blue flames could burn the entire neighbourhood to cinders.
ORANGE
NO shirt, NO pants, means full service. Cozy and inviting, this home’s Peanut Butter M&M vibe melts in your mouth, not in your hand. Pumpkin Spice Lattés, apple pies and campfires embrace your soul like a warm autumn day. Your uninhibited décor includes hung statues of Michelangelo’s David and long shag carpets to comfort your amours. Vibrant and flamboyant, you are a carefree exhibitionist that drives a limited edition Outspan Orange automobile. Time management and multi-tasking is your specialty, which is why you sleep in a tanning bed and replace your showers with spray-on tans. Flying by the seat of your unzipped unmentionables is your mantra. You’re a stimulated social tiger that bounces the bounce, pounces the pounce.
PURPLE
All hail lord of the purple door manor, where commoners refer to you as “my luscious liege”. Titled and dignified, your home is built with royal wood, circumcised with precision. Your humble abode is guarded by moats and electric trouser snakes, to protect your kingdom from unwanted door-to-door real estate agents. Your mouth-watering garden consists of misted eggplants and plump plums. Bursting with charisma, your décor is draped in expensive velvet and wispy silks from around the globe. Patrons admire your raging sceptre while laying on your freshly-skinned reindeer pelt rug. Baron of the beef, your loyal servants prepare purple feasts for noble aristocrats, feasts that include succulent starfish and rare beasts roasted over a roaring fire. You are a humanitarian, donating gold shillings to orgynizations that support peons in need. Loved by all, there is not a ghost of a chance you have venereal frustrations or dysfunctions.
PINK
Welcome to Barbie’s dream home, with décor so unique, only the finest of forged plastics can meet your romancing expectations. Pink Panther fiberglass insulation seals in the sensuality of your humble abode; chihuahuas, neon heart signs, and portraits of Molly Ringwald flutter the rooms of your heart. Generous and sweet, you permeate an irresistible aroma of candyfloss to fill Kenneth Sean “Ken” Carson’s missing extremity void. You travel on free-range flamingos, unless a delectable darling picks you up in a pink convertible for an evening of escort-a-lingus. Kind and nurturing, your guests are overwhelmed by pheromones of true love. Be warned: neighbours that live in a love-starved home could experience sensory overloads of well-endowed proportions.
“DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE PAINTED WITH A BARREN SCEPTICISM”
Does the colour of your front door communicate the ribald sensation you were thrusting for? If not, perhaps ‘tis time to strip away its defective exterior and provide everyone (including yourself) with the colour they deserve. At the very least, wouldn’t you agree that one less grey dull door on the street will make our world a more tolerable place to live?
Like your door, the real estate market is a blank canvas; don’t settle for a humdrum, factory-made experience. When you’re ready to paint outside the real estate lines of ordinary you know whom to call!
