Check out what these fine fettle mavens are saying about your health…
1. Counts as Exercise (SOURCE: Jacques Strap PhD, Northsouthern University)
Homeownership bumps up your heart rate and uses approximately five calories per minute, four more calories than writing a “my heart is so full” post on Facebook. Will it replace the calorie-burning stress of a nagging partner? Probably not, but it counts for something. You may want to clear your schedule and make time for your humble abode on a regular basis. Like a good shouting match, consistency helps maximize the results.
2. Improves Sleep (SOURCE: Dr. Mike Rotch, Sleep Specialist at Hardwood Sleep Clinic)
Worries keeping you up at night? You may doze off faster as a homeowner, and for good reason. After purchasing a home, the hormone prolactin is released, which is responsible for the feelings of relaxation and sleepiness.
3. Reduces Stress (SOURCE: Seymour Butz, MD. University Hospital)
Dwelling inside your home can soothe stress and anxiety, while touching and hugging your home can release your body’s natural “feel-good hormone”, creating a sensation of relaxation and intimacy. During a routine habitation session your body releases endorphins and oxytocin, revving up your pleasure system.
4. Immediate and Natural Pain Relief (SOURCE: Tess T. Culls, PhD. Balls State University)
Before you reach for that shot of morphine, try buying a home. Homeownership can block pain and release hormones that help raise your discomfort threshold. Studies show that home-inal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases, even headaches.
5. Strengthens Bladder Control (SOURCE: Yuri Nator MD, Director of I.P. Freely Inc.)
A strong pelvic floor is important when trying to avoid incontinence, something that will affect about 30% of renters at some point in their lives. Owning a luscious home causes contractions, strengthening your pelvic floor muscles.
6. Increases Libido (SOURCE: Drew P. Weiner PhD. Assistant Clinical Professor at Longview College)
Is a nagging landlord decreasing your sex drive? Buying a new home will boost your libido. Homeownership ameliorates lubrication, blood flow, and elasticity, all of which makes you crave a better life.
7. Better Heart Health (SOURCE: Dr. Al Coholic, Local Bar Fly)
A moderately happy home life is beneficial for your heart. Homeownership is a great way to raise your heart rate and keep your estrogen and testosterone levels in balance. During one survey, those who owned at least two homes were half as likely to suffer from heart disease as those who only owned one home.
8. Rejuvenates Skin (SOURCE: Anita Bath, Sales Professional at Health Product/Pyramid Scheme Inc.)
Tired of those renting wrinkles? Homeownership increases dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), a hormone secreted by the adrenal gland which is said to give the skin a more youthful appearance, even under the stress of being nagged for rent relentlessly.
9. Boosts Self-Esteem (SOURCE: Bea O’Problem, Butter Chicken Enthusiast)
Self-esteem, self-confidence and homeownership are intrinsically linked. Not only is it a prescription for a healthy life, but a happy one. If you’re single and live a stress-free home life, you’re more likely to attract a beautiful soulmate, build a successful career and catch lucky breaks. All of these factors will boost your self-esteem to unimaginable levels.
10. Enhances the Immune System (SOURCE: Dr. Lee Keybum, Home Health Expert)
Homeowners take fewer sick days; researchers at Anytown University found that those who owned homes had high levels of antibodies, defending against germs, viruses, the CBC news and other nagging intruders.
Additional measures are recommended to help your immune system, such as:
1. Purchase investment properties.
2. Refer friends and relatives to John Edward Hewerdine III.
3. Buy and sell your home every 7 years for good luck.
11. Saves Relationships (SOURCE: Oliver Klozoff PhD, Fictional Character)
Studies show that pet adoption, getting married and giving birth are all viable options to save a sagging relationship, but did you know purchasing a home can also be a solution? Homeownership can increase intimacy and closeness with loved ones. Homes break down emotional walls and create open communication, eliminating toxic criticism between partners. Families who own homes experience laughter, dancing, formal dinners, breakfasts in bed, and magical television moments. Homeownership will truly fulfill your healthiest of dreams.
… er, or is it “Sex Sells?” Nevertheless, this article was a ludicrous joke and I hope you enjoyed it (if you actually read this far).
JUST FOR THE RECORD
If you’re looking for advice on health benefits, call a doctor. If you have a nagging spouse, call a therapist. If you’re ready to talk real estate… you know whom to call!