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Is your existence in London shackled by the chains of lust? Does it feel like your extremities are locked up in an iron tower, collecting dust? Have you been tied to a wheel and rolled down the hill of disgust? Are you waiting for the next hilarious sentence that ends with the word ‘thrust?’ If you said “YES” to any of these preposterous statements, then this article is specifically for you!
SUMMER OF LOVE, BABY!
It’s no secret that Lo Town’s dating pool has been on life support for decades (mainly because we find each other repulsive) and true lust is only achieved by luring in foreign soulmates with empty promises of Mounties, mountains and mansions. Lucky for you those days are now over and there has been a local resurgence of unwilted babes and fresh-faced hunks who are eager to fall for your Canadian/Midwest American muttonhead accent.
I know you have been patiently waiting for part two of this article, so let’s get this going…
TOP TEN DATING TRIPS: CERVIX-FIED AND BONER-FIDE
Rest assured these dates I am about to share are tried, tested and true by yours truly (John Edward Hewerdine III) and I guarantee they’ll complete the penetrable formula of true lust, helping you secure that salacious sweetheart.
The Forest City art of seduction involves three phases:
1. Stay Local
2. Day Trips
3. International Travel
Each phase calls for an array of food, booze and danger.
PHASE 1: STAY LOCAL
Here are a few simple ideas that will sure to impress your next Datey McDate-Face.
1. THAMES VALLEY PARKWAY
Location: London, ON
Details: Spend the day cycling through this 43km multi-use recreational trail and experience a London that is unrecognizable from the streets. Bring a Bluetooth speaker and play romantic music as you ride… then jump on your bikes. Pack a lunch and feed the geese. Channel your inner miscreant with a few sneaky beers. A formidable adventure for a first date.
Website: https://london.ca/thames-valley-parkway-tvp
2. LABATT PARK BASEBALL TOUR
Location: 25 Wilson Avenue, London, ON
Details: This is the world’s oldest active baseball park. The tour only costs $5 and you can turn up the innuendos by playing catch (bring a ball and glove) where some of baseball’s greatest legends were heckled. Add an element of danger and sneak in a can of Labatt 50. Story-telling and historic artifacts; this date will surely slide you into home base.
Website: https://www.labattparktours.com/
3. TREE TRUNK TOUR
Location: Hamilton Road, London, ON
Details: Take a romantic stroll down Hamilton Road and enjoy a unique tree trunk tour (don’t forget to stop in on some of London’s unique establishments along the way). The Forest City boasts over twenty thick trunks that have been whittled into pieces of art. Fun Fact: It takes four weeks for an artist to complete a sculpture, approximately the same time it takes a couple to fall deep in lust.
Website: https://www.londontourism.ca/treetrunktour/, https://www.hamroad.com/
4. TILT ARCADE BAR
Location: 359 Talbot Street, London, ON
Details: Transport back in time with this grungy 1990s arcade vibe and gain unlimited access to games for only $5. Grab a drink at the bar and make your date swoon by allowing them to watch you dominate pinball for countless hours. Maybe if you’re lucky, someone will offer you drugs and add an element of danger.
Website: https://tilt.bar
5. THE MUSTANG DRIVE-IN THEATRE
Location: 2551 Wilton Grove Road, London, ON
Details: Dreamy, steamy and creamy, we all know what happens at a drive-in theatre… movies and buttered popcorn!
Website: https://premiertheatres.ca/mustang
6. OLD EAST BREWERY CRAWL
Location: Old East Village, London, ON
Details: Discover why Old East is for lovers: enjoy one drink (no more, no less) at each stop, hold hands, eye gaze (minimally), ride the bus home and feel the buzz of love.
Website: https://www.oldeastvillage.com/
Stop #1 – Dundas and Sons
Location: 400 Adelaide Street North, London, ON
Website: http://www.dundasandsons.com
Stop #2 – Union Ten
Location: 656 Dundas Street, London, ON
Website: https://unionten.ca
Stop #3 – Paradigm Spirits Co.
Location: 100 Kellogg Lane, London, ON
Website: https://paradigmspirits.com
Stop #4 – Power House Brewery
Location: 100 Kellogg Lane, London, ON
Website: https://powerhousebrewery.beer
Stop #5 – London Brewing
Location: 521 Burbrook Place, London, ON
Website: https://www.londonbrewing.ca
Stop #6 – Anderson Craft Ales
Location: 1030 Elias Street, London, ON
Website: https://andersoncraftales.ca
PHASE 2: DAY TRIPS
It’s time to take your paramour experience to the next level and hit the road. Feast your eyes on a sweet corn peeling countryside…
7. ONTARIO’S WEST COAST
Location: Goderich, ON, Canada’s prettiest town.
Details: World class donuts, beaches, booze, undertows, sunsets, disgruntled retirees, tilley hats and festivals, what more can one desire? Take the scenic route along the Bluewater Highway and enhance your (s)experience.
Website: https://www.goderich.ca
Stop #1 – Culbert’s Bakery
Location: 49 West Street, Goderich, ON
Details: Whether they’re filled with cream or riddled with holes, Culbert pastries are arguably the best on the planet. Pre-order or arrive at 8:30am to get the goods. Donut go too late or everything will be sold out.
Website: https://culbertsbakery.com/
Stop #2 – Square Brew
Location: 430 Parson Court, Goderich, ON
Details: This hot new brewery is a must visit and will surely wet your whistle of whoopee.
Website: http://www.squarebrewco.com
Stop #3 – Celtic Roots Festival
Location: Goderich, ON
Details: This internationally renowned festival runs from August 1-7. Free concerts and ceilis in the square from Monday-Thursday. Experience traditional Irish music until 3am at the Parkhouse and feel the lord of the dance in your underpants.
Website: https://www.celticfestival.ca/
Stop #4 – Beach Street Station
Location: 2 Beach Street, Goderich, ON
Details: Mesmerizing sunsets on this luscious patio will distract you from appropriate and inappropriate eye contact.
Website: https://www.beachstreetstation.com
Stop #5 – The Parkhouse
Location: 168 West Street, Goderich, ON
Details: The Parkhouse has a great selection of local beers and the fish & chips are to live a long healthy life and then die for. An aging demographic will help make you look like a young supermodel.
Website: http://www.parkhouserestaurant.com
8. THE RAILWAY CITY
Location: St. Thomas, ON
Details: Jumbo the Elephant and the infamous “Adult Baby” (intrigued?) have helped gentrify St. Thomas. Rumour has it they have surpassed London with the quality of restaurants. The Railway City is indeed a worthy dating playground.
Website: https://www.railwaycitytourism.com
Stop #1 – Old School Pizza
Location: 9 Princess Ave, St Thomas, ON
Details: Hands down the best pizza in the London and surrounding area. One bite will give you the sudden urge to feed your date like a baby pizza bird.
Website: https://oldschoolpizza.ca
Stop #2 – Caps Off Brewery
Location: 168 Curtis Street, St. Thomas, ON
Details: Friendly staff and delicious beers. Becoming an exclusive member will add to your already sexy appeal.
Website: https://capsoffbrewing.com
Stop #3 – Railway City Brewery
Location: 130 Edward Street, St. Thomas, ON
Details: One of the first craft breweries in the area and still one of the best. Remember to sit at the bar and avoid eye contact.
Website: https://www.railwaycitybrewing.com
Stop#4 – Picard’s Peanuts
Location: 130 Edward Street, St. Thomas, ON
Details: Stop in on your way home and pick up some unique chip-nuts. Throw them all over your bed and roll around in the buff.
Website: https://www.picardsontariogrownpeanuts.com
9. ONTARIO’S BLUE COAST
Location: Sarnia, ON
Details: Sarnia is only an hour’s drive from London and is worth the trip: golf, boating, gambling, DUIs and great food. Take a casual swim or an innertube float across the river and visit Port Huron, MI.
Website: https://www.ontbluecoast.com
Stop #1 – Two Amigos
Location: 914 Murphy Road #1, Sarnia, ON
Details: Frozen in time: 1980 mullets, fluorescent tank tops and the #1 Guinness in Ontario (poured with care and set at the correct temperature). I highly recommend ordering the bowl of iceberg lettuce.
Website: https://www.twoamigossarnia.com
Stop #2 – Giresi’s Pizza
Location: 146 East Street North, Sarnia, ON
Details: Giresi’s is the best pizza in Sarnia and far superior than anything in London. Sneak in a kiss and throw your last slice of pizza off the bridge into international waters.
Website: https://giresispizza.com
Stop #3 – Refined Fool Brewing Co.
Location: 137 Davis Streer, Sarnia, ON
Details: This pub has a relaxed vibe and offers unique beers that you will not be able to purchase at the LCBO. Make sure you go to the downtown location. Drop a loud air biscuit and see if anyone flinches.
Website: https://www.refinedfool.com
PHASE 3: INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL
Only for the hottest of Hugs McGee.
10. THE MOTOR CITY
Location: Detroit, MI
Details: This big city has an endless array of life-threatening dating ideas. Save “Detro-it” for that special someone who is willing to take a bullet for you (literally).
Website: https://visitdetroit.com
Stop #1 – The Baltimore Bar & Grill
Location: 1234 Randolph Street, Detroit, MI
Details: Get your pregame and postgame on with some freewheeling drinks and delicious “Ted Burgers” at this fine establishment (arguably the best burger in Detroit). If there aren’t cigarette ashes in your burger and beer flies in your drink, Eddie Shaw is not doing his job (he will take good care of you at the bar).
Website: N/A
Stop #2 – Comerica Park
Location: 2100 Woodward Ave, Detroit, MI
Details: Take me out to the balls-game! Experience real American baseball (sorry Toronto) and watch the Tigers play downtown Detroit. The tickets are cheap and the food is to murder for.
Website: https://www.mlb.com/tigers.com
Stop #3 – Niki’s Pizza
Location: 735 Beaubien Boulevard, Detroit, MI
Details: Authentic Detroit pizza (arguably the best in the city). You’ll never eat pizza in London again and your date won’t be able to resist true lust after a day with pizza in the D.
Website: https://www.nikisdetroit.com
Stop #4 – The Raven Lounge
Location: 5145 Chene Street, Detroit, MI
Details: Finish your date off… with some authentic Detroit blues at the oldest blues club in Michigan. Get your date high on danger as you travel deep into the hood. Don’t drive a fancy car or wear any jewelry if you want to make it home alive.
Website: N/A
THE REAL SECRET TO LOVE
It is my sincere hope that these freshly harvested ideas will manufacture some regrettable dating moments. If all else fails, invite your next date over and casually leave the deed to your property on the kitchen counter. This will trump any of my squat-lunging ideas. If you have any unique ideas of your own, please share in the comments below. Until then, enjoy the rest of your summer, London.
For more love and homeownership advice, you know whom to call!
PHASE 4: BONUS DATES
Oh, I almost forgot! Here are a few extra dates, just in case you’re a serial dater and you’ve burned through my original list…
RICHMOND TAVERN
Location: 370 Richmond Street, London, ON
Details: Danger and booze. Cash only.
Website: https://www.richmondtavern.ca
MENNOMEX
Location: 49919 Talbot Street East, Aylmer, ON
Details: Pick up some authentic Mexican groceries and prepare a delicioso dinner date at home.
Website: https://www.mennomex.com
NEW LIMBURG BREWERY
Location: 2353 Nixon Rd., Simcoe, ON
Details: This brewery is inside an old public school and will make you feel like a kid again.
Website: http://newlimburg.com
COWBELL BREWERY CO.
Location: 40035 Blyth Road, Blyth, ON
Details: Nothing beats Cowbell beer straight from the source.
Website: https://cowbellbrewing.com
MILDMAY CHEESE HAUS
Location: 73 Elora Street, Mildmay, ON
Details: Get constipated on some of the best selection of cheeses in Ontario.
Website: https://www.mildmaycheesehaus.com
JOHNNY QUESTS
Location: 62 London Road, Thamesville, ON
Details: Above average food at record low prices; the atmosphere and décor will quest your thirst.
Website: https://johnnyquests.ca
LOUIE’S PIZZA & PASTA
Location: 440 Bell Street Ingersoll, ON
Details: “Get the panzo!”
Website: https://louiespizzapasta.com
