Market Updates June 13, 2022

Johnny’s Insider: Market Update (what in the Vecna is going on out there?)

OK humanoids, who unintentionally unlatched “The Gate” and sent London through a portal to an interdimensional, Upside-Down buyer’s market?

After a four-year selling extravaganza, it appears we have instantly (within days) Hopper’d into a dark and fluffy buyer’s market. This type of expeditious mutation is unheard of and has left us more mystified than a symbiote-misted eggplant.

But are we really in a buyer’s market? And if so, how did this happen?

Let’s look at a few X factors that have contributed to this paranormal metamorphosis.

1. INTEREST RATES. To counterbalance the parallel universe of inflation, the Bank of Canada has Mind Flayered (raised) interest rates and sent a mini electric shockwave of fear through the world of normies. This disturbance has not gone unnoticed, and the hive minded media senses all.

2. THE MEDIA. Canadian news is a powerful Demogorgon and is cashing in by turning a pollywog report into a Demodog crisis. I mean common, have you watched the news lately? It’s unbearable! It’s one hour of impending doom that infiltrates your brain, catering to your deepest and darkest fears. Also, social media uses devious algorithms to click you into a feed-ing frenzy of dopamine-releasing horror. The result? Helpless homebuyers frightened into hiding.

3. HOMEBUYERS. GTA buyers were spawning faster than a right-side up sea cucumber in 2020-2021, creating a very competitive real estate market. This year, they have vanished faster than a swarm of Demobats in a radioactive lightning storm. Without the pressure of GTA buyers, many Londoners have lost their sense of buying urgency, returning to their particular and frugal selves. The result? A growing inventory.

4. GROWING INVENTORY. London’s inventory has been intubated with a vine and implanted with reproducing slugs, multiplying from 800 to 1400 active listings. This should be a first-time buyer’s lucky chance to break bones and elevate into the market, right? Damn straight. But where did everyone go and why aren’t they diving headfirst into this portal of opportunity?

5. FIRST-TIME HOMEBUYERS. Those who have resisted the evil Demopropaganda still have a Lite-Brite of hope to buy, but are struggling to survive the pre-approval process. According to mortgage specialists, first-time buyers have punched a hole through the fabric of reality and are spending their savings on a lifestyle of entertainment. They simply don’t have the 5% down payment required to pass screening.

This small blip in the interdimensional real estate rift won’t last forever and when the interest rate novelty wears off, the media will terrorize you with the next monster of the month (remember Covid? That still exists by the way, you just stopped reading about it). So, you can grab a flamethrower and ward off the eyeball sucking demomedia, or live in fear and be cast into the toxic wasteland of the Upside-Down world…the choice is yours. But, when the haunting grandfather clock chime stops tolling for you and you’re ready to emerge from the shadows to buy a home, you know whom to call!