Home August 3, 2021

Possibly the Most Boring Real Estate Article of All-Time…SEXIFIED!

Though I must confess that the idea of writing about floors was as thrilling as a snuggle of sloths playing strip poker (if sloths could do such a thing), I am now prepared to admit I was dead wrong, and that floors are indeed a sexy inspiration!

Whether you’re in pursuit of the perfect partner, practising procreation at promiscuous parties, or plainly persevering to keep those particles of pleasure in motion, the perfect mix of flooring is vital to keep that erotic energy alive in your home.

Now before you get confined to living a monotonous, floor-bored, suburban nightmare, we should delve into the world of flooring (quick!), and discover which vase-breaking, counter-clearing type of flooring will help you achieve a lust-filled home life.

Grab a pen and paper, and take careful notes.

MATS – Easy to slip in and easy to slip out; mats are an excellent addition to your wildest home flooring needs. Pineapple-printed welcome mats offer a beacon of light for the modern day sensualist. Rubber mats offer maximum comfort on the knees and anti-fatigue mats help ease tension on joints. Foam mats provide extra cushion and gym floor mats enhance your “workouts”.

RUGS – Adding in a variety of rugs will create a cozy and romantic atmosphere. Long rugs, thick rugs, furry rugs: they all come in different shades, shapes and sizes. You can select a colour that will make all the right things pop, or simply increase pleasure with a selection of long and soft options.

CARPETS – Whether the carpet matches the drapes, or not, the type of carpet you choose should be stimulating and rewarding to the buff.

Frieze carpets are a tight, twisted fibre that provides ultimate flexibility and longevity. High quality frieze carpets are made of nylon or wool; great for absorption and resisting the dirtiest of stains. Loop pile is resistant to the ravages of time and perfect for a quick and discreet escape (hides footprints). Loop pile is also excellent in high-traffic areas, such as hallways and bedrooms. Cut & loop adds texture and is magic at hiding marks of the forbidden sorts, while shag carpet brings ultimate comfort.

TILES – Some tiles are larger than others, and popular tiles of choice include ceramic, marble, stone and porcelain. Tile is hugely durable, making it an ideal selection for busy rooms that are repeatedly exposed to moisture. Tiles can keep you as cool as a water-dripping cucumber in even the hottest of situations.

VINYL – Vinyl checks all the boxes for the floor of your dreams… resilient, low-maintenance, water-resistant, and in some cases, waterproof. It is cost-effective, long lasting, and offers a firm bounce when you need it the most. Vinyl is durable and resists scuffs, stains, spills, leakage, moisture and wetness. Plus, at the end of a hot counter-clearing night, it’s easy to clean.

Modern vinyl is noise-resistant, which means light sleepers are less likely to hear that sound of sneaking around the house for a midnight rendezvous. Newer vinyl has an attached underlayment that makes the flooring more comfortable for extended hip-thrusting periods of time. It’s also warmer than your standard tile floors, perfect for those long, cold, winter nights.

LAMINATE WOOD – When you can’t score the real thing, laminate resembles the hardest of wood. It is easy on the eyes, and even easier on your wallet. Laminate comes in a variety of thicknesses, and the thicker options can help to insulate even the loudest of noises. Laminate underlay ensures a good sturdy installation, and embossed laminate imitates the grain of actual wood for an authentic look and feel.

Hand scraped laminate has the look and feel of restored hardwood for a more hipster, rustic look, whereas smooth laminate has a glossy finish for a clean, innocent look. Most hardwood laminate is water-resistant, which means it can resist water penetration, but should not be exposed to water for too long.

HARDWOOD – No one will be able to resist the quality of solid hardwood, even when exposed to the finest of lustful aristocrats. These boards are milled from solid wood by the sultriest of sawyers. Hardwood can be installed conventionally or arranged, in my personal favourite pattern, the herringbone. Don’t worry about scratching that hardwood in the heat of the moment, because it can be sanded down and refinished as it wears.

If you like the look of hardwood at a lower price point, engineered hardwood floors will be an alluring alternative. Engineered wood is typically a click flooring option, making it easy to install.

BAMBOO – Bamboo flooring provides the ideal balance between durability and affordability. Bamboo is a sustainable material, making it an eco-friendly choice, and the bestiality of both worlds for free spirits and animal lovers alike (hey, I’m not here to judge). The strength of bamboo material makes it a popular choice for large groups of any sized mammal.

CORK – Cork has the rich tones of hardwood, but with other varying textures. Cork is a renewable resource and is harvested from the outer bark of cork oak trees. It is durable and provides a nice bounce. Cork is also fire-resistant and generates less smoke when your love is ready to combust.

By now you should have an idea of which dreamy mix of flooring will facilitate your love life. Your mind should be spinning at the endless possibilities.

This is a snapshot of what it will cost you to riddle your love nest with the flooring of your wet dreams. Keep in mind that these prices are a rough estimate and range in quality. Prices are per square foot, before installation, and before taxes. Contact your local floor experts for more details.

Welcome Mat – $1 to $4
Rubber Mat – $1 to $8
Anti-Fatigue Mat – $1 to $6
Foam Mat – $1 to $3
Gym Mat – $3 to $8
Flokati (Shag) Rug – $4 to $13
Wool Rugs – $5 to $26
Silk Rugs – $62 to $125
Cotton Rugs – $3 to $4
Bamboo Rugs – $2 to $10
Hide Rugs – $11 to $15
Faux Hide Rugs – $3 to $5
Polypropylene Rugs- $1 to $5
Polyester Rugs – $6 to $15
Frieze Carpet – $1 to $7
Loop Pile Carpet – $1 to $9
Cut & Loop Carpet – $1 to $8
Wool Carpet – $5 to $12
Ceramic Tile – $1 to $5
Marble Tile- $10 to $20
Stone Tile- $5 to $10
Porcelain Tile – $1 to $8
Vinyl – $3 to $5
Laminate Wood – $1 to $5
Hardwood – $4 to $12
Engineered Hardwood – $4 to $10
Bamboo – $4 to $8
Cork – $4 to $6

The answer is yes!

When purchasing or renovating a home, very few nooky-dwellers consider the level of provocativeness that floors bring to the coquettish coitus table. It is (s)extremely important to install floors that counterpart your button-popping, ardent passion.

Now get out there and enhance both your home, and love life! You’re welcome.

Lust-starved for more real estate knowledge? I’m just a click away.