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Between the years 1959-1984 the Forest City was coined the Serial Killer Capital of Canada, and although the massacres ended forty years ago, London still has a high concentration of home-icidal maniacs with an unquenchable thirst for real estate… and murder! (you try driving around this city without wanting to kill someone)
Whether an illicit liquidator or law “aboding” purchaser, both approach home buying with the same fickle temperament, and if you want to vend your as-sale-able house for an intact arm and an unsevered leg, then you better heed these fifteen savage home listing suggestions…
#1. CLEAN. Londoners are seriously disenchanted if your listing isn’t spotless. Turn your soiled home into a SOLD home by hiring a professional to wash, scrub and polish out any evidence… of true grime.
#2. SET TEMPERATURE. If your home’s temperature is too hot or too cold, Forest citizens will think this has a direct bearing on inefficient windows, insulation, heat sources and air conditioning. Do Goldilocks a favour and set the thermostat to ‘just right’.
#3. CLEAN CEILING STAINS. Leak or no leak, murdered bodies hidden in the ceiling or no murdered bodies hidden in the ceiling, those stains are a home buying deterrent and need to be removed.
#4. ELIMINATE ODOURS. The only thing worse than a tang of scents (cat pee, rotting corpse, cigarette smoke, etc.) is the attempt to mask them with deodorizers, scented candles, and potpourris. It seems cliché, but if you want to exude a delicious smell (especially when the cops arrive), bake some cookies. Otherwise, clean, paint and use an ozonater to eliminate undesirable stanks.
#5. PET FREE ZONE. I’m sure playing kissy face with animals that love licking buttholes is a once in a lifetime experience, but not everyone adores pets as much as you do. Potential palace purchasers can have serious allergies and will refrain from entering your home if animals are dilly-dallying about. Extradite these creatures during showing season.
#6. REMOVE FAMILY PHOTOS. Displaying family photos will inspire murder, not home buying. Also, family photos make your average Londoner feel like an intruding serial killer. Remove photos to create a neutral environment.
#7. DUMP WEDDING PHOTOS. Lawyers claim that the Forest City has a seventy-five percent divorce rate, which means your disgustingly happy wedding photo is creating a negative environment for seventy-five percent of your home buyers. Take down those photos before it’s too late.
#8. NO CHILDREN. Unless you have a nursery designed for Maison et Murder Magazine, Londoners do not want to see signs of children. Please prepare your home accordingly: 1) No toys, 2) No playrooms, 3) No wall stickers, and 4) No pink & blue bedrooms.
#9. INSTALL HANDRAILS. Many home buyers have difficulty walking up and down a flight of stairs, and if there are no handrails, then they’ll begrudgingly leave without viewing every floor. Handrails help real estate rippers chase their victims on multiple levels and inspire them to submit mouth-slaughtering offers.
#10. DRY BASEMENTS. Whether there is too much humidity, a lack of ventilation, or wet floors, running fans and dehumidifiers will give the impression you have something to hide. Basements are an important selling feature, so remedy issues that will deter local home slayers.
#11. UNCLUTTERED STORAGE. Storage space bursting at the seams screams “this house is too small!” Do we really need thirty coffee mugs jammed in a kitchen cabinet or twelve decomposing skeletons squished into a closet? Creating the illusion that your home is tidy and functional is essential, so keep storage organized and minimized.
#12. BARE COUNTERTOPS. Messy countertops will give the impression that your kitchen is too small. As a rule of thumb, you should have no more than three decorative weapons on each surface. If larger items such as microwaves and flesh grinders don’t fit into a specific nook, then clear them from the counter and remove them from the home.
#13. CFL LIGHTBULBS. When it comes to lightbulbs, non-uniformity is an anxiety ridden turnoff (branding 101). Use compact fluorescent lamps (CFLs) for a clean and sterile look.
#14. ALLOW PRIVACY. Lingering around during a showing and/or giving private tours is an awkward experience. Londoners need space to speak openly, judge freely and scheme privately. So, dear homeowners, beat it!
#15. NO SEX DUNGEONS. Please remove toys, racks, swings, whips, handcuffs, pineapples, and tissue boxes. Showcasing a neutrally decorated dungeon will help any domicile delinquent envision a new life with new murdery memories.
DARK HUMOUR
The fact of the matter is, if you want to sell your home in this dirty old town, then these titillating tips are imperative in providing the perfect viewing experience. If anything, it will help deter your potential buyers from wanting to murder you in your sleep.
Yearning for more peculiar home selling pointers? You know whom to call!
Johnny Murderdine | Real Estate Butcher of Record
