In this juicy feature I have teamed up with a local Certified Master Inspector named Michael Balaban. After many rigorous discussions, we felt it would be an innovative idea to unleash an article that could penetrate the masses of society. How did we plan to achieve this snoozer of a task? Easy, by politely asking The ChatGPT (The Chat Generative Pre-Trained Transformer) to write up an AI-rticle extraordinaire!
HERE IS HOW IT WENT…
Dear The ChatGPT,
Please draft us an article regarding the maintenance of a home and create this succulent supplement in a slightly rousing fashion that only Johnny Hewerdine and Michael Balaban can construct. Also, please twerk the story in a manner that will minimize the collateral damage caused by offending the modern-day dud.
Johnny & Michael
THE CHATGPT RESPONSE …
Dear Johnny & Michael,
I have been programmed to reject any inappropriate requests. Take off eh!
MAINTAINING YOUR HOME: TOP 10 ITEMS TO FURIOUSLY MONITOR
Let’s get cucumbersome and Johnny-ize this majestic morsel; whether you are buying a home or maintaining your current home, Michael Balaban recommends keeping a hairy eyeball on these ten items…
The age and style of your roof will influence the need for replacement. An efficacious roof will protect you from Mother Nature’s deadly elements and prevent further damage within your humble abode. If you are a home seeker, consider the age and condition of the roof when deciding on a purchase price. Shingles or metal? Cost? Longevity? Contact your roofing maestro for more in-depth info.
2. WATER HEATER
The age of your water heater is paramount. Today, many home insurance policies no longer cover damage resulting from a water heater that has been installed for 10 years or more. If an elderly water heater malfunctions and causes damage to your home, the insurance companies may deem this preventable and not an “insured peril” (damage caused unexpectedly or accidentally). If you have a water heater long in the tooth, shut it off before you vamoose on an extended vacation. Contact your home insurance oracle for more detaility-doos.
3. FURNACE FILTER
“Workin’ hard or hardly workin’?” A clean filter reduces energy costs, increases a furnace’s lifespan, and creates a healthier breathing environment. A clogged filter forces a furnace to work harder than usual, which is bad for your wallet and even worse for your health! Change out the furnace filter a minimum of once every three months (buy filters in bulk at your local Costco) and have your furnace checked by a professional once per year.
4. AIR CONDITIONING UNIT
“To cover or not to cover, that is the question” … that taunts even the most grandiose of surly socialites. A/C units are designed to survive even the unruliest of seasons. Using a cover (sold by air conditioning companies… hmm) can trap moisture and condensation within the unit, running the risk of rusting or corroding the coils. Also, covering your unit will make a perfect home for wire-chewing rodents such as mice and chipmunks. If the outside of your A/C unit is dirty, feel free to hose it down (and yourself while you’re at it) with some water. It is also recommended to have your air conditioner checked by a professional once per year.
Maintaining a soil slope to improve water displacement will prevent water from coming into direct contact with your foundation (which can cause extensive damage). Concrete is porous like a sponge, minus the squish factor. If water is in contact with your foundation long enough, it’ll soak its way inside. Remember, grading should always slope away from the house, just like a door-knocking realtor.
Downspouts are devised to disperse water away from your home. Keep downspouts and gutters clean to help water flow more easily. Add an extension to help the water trickle even further away from the foundation. If water collects where your home greets the ground, it’ll seep into the foundation and pesky moisture will gradually consume your home’s erection (get your mind out of the “gutter”, I’m solely talking about an upright structure!)
Keep toilets tight to the floor. Much like a rowdy roisterer, a loose and wobbly toilet ignored over time can leave your home vulnerable to sewer gas leaks and water leaks (gross!)
8. ATTIC INSULATION
Insulating your attic can prevent a revolving door of hot and cold air. Heating and cooling accounts for approximately 50-70% of energy costs. This means escaping air will squander energy and your bank account, leaving you living in a 2013 Dodge Caravan down by the river.
9. SMOKE & CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTORS
Working smoke and carbon monoxide detectors give home-dwellers an early warning of peril to the most extreme. These devices can prevent fatal fires and CO poisoning (we are talking about saving your lives here, people!) Fire alarms and carbon monoxide detectors generally have a ten-year life span. On the flip side, if you like to err on the side of danger, feel free to throw your smoke and carbon monoxide detectors right out the window.
10. GFCI RECEPTACLES
This specific type of receptacle (or “plug” for all the Muggles out there) is designed to protect people from grievous or fatal (electrocution) shocks. It can also prevent or reduce the severity of fires by interrupting the flow of electric current (amperage). Receptacles outdoors, near kitchen sinks, bathroom sinks or anywhere within five feet of a water source should be a GFCI. These types of receptacles wear out over time and should be replaced once the ‘reset’ button fails to work properly.
NOTICE OF FULFILLMENT?
A very special thank you to Michael Balaban for sharing his wisdom as a Certified Master Inspector. We have indeed only scratched the surface of Michael’s cranium. Stay tuned as we fully penetrate the deep dark corners of his brain in more articles to come.
Now, as we dwindle this article down to the bitter end, let’s request a new-fashioned signoff from The ChatGPT …
Dear The ChatGPT,
Please write us an ending.
Johnny & Michael
Dear Johnny & Michael,
I have been programmed to reject any inappropriate requests. Get a life!
Need the services of a Certified Master Inspector? Get in touch with Michael Balaban https://www.iconhomeinspections.com/