March 2, 2024

These 5 Mistakes are Deterring Thousands of Hot and Steamy Home Buyers

Lately, I’ve noticed a profusion of unsatisfactory listing presentations on These unappetizing listing arrangements have been perforated by blurry photos, cluttered rooms, and spelling errors. With being the NUMBER ONE destination for home shoppers, why on earth would anyone cut corners and upload a lackluster exposition?

If you have zero expectations on selling your home for top dollar, by all means drop a juicy bomb on the living room floor and walk away. But, if you’re hoping to sell for market value, then you’ll need to put in a little elbow grease and avoid these five faux pas…

#1: Grub and Grime 
No one wants to visit or pay market value for a home smeared with filth. Decluttering and cleaning are essential to success. Also, paint the walls and use an ozonator if your home smells like a cloudy fart chamber.

#2: Antiquated Décor 
Old dirty furniture screams ‘contemptible coitus’ and will most certainly deter home buyers. Hire a professional stager to make your home look modern, functional, and free of fornication. Investing in a good staging company can increase your sale price by as much as 17%. If you refuse to stage, please consider burning every piece of furniture you own and vacating the premises.

#3. DIY Photography 
Posting dark and blurry photos from your flip-phone is a libido killer, especially when we can see sweatpant boners in the reflection of bathroom mirrors (true story!). It is imperative that you post high-quality pictures from a professional camera. Eighty-seven percent of your profile relies on that first photo, and if it’s not showcasing the most desirable aspect of the house, purchasers will ‘swipe left’. If you choose to forego this tip and post daguerreotypes from your mobile device, please use landscape mode. Vertical portrait snapshots scream ‘amateur hour’.

#4: Hackneyed Old Sayings 
According to realtors, every last hard inch of every London neighbourhood is “desirable and sought after”. These cliché lines are farcically shopworn and home buying audiences everywhere are bored STIFF. It’s time to roll up your sleeves, slap yourself across the cheeks, and concockt an original listing description. If writing isn’t your forté, consider hiring an editor to bulge out your spelling and grammatical assets.

#5: The Devil is in the Details
ChatGPT and AI photos are neither clever nor effective. Most readers know when they’re leafing through a soulless piece of manufactured garbage. It’s a coldblooded abomination I tells ya! Also, hoodwinking buyers into visiting your listing with AI photos is a lazy and annoying trend. Once potential purchasers realize they’ve been catfished, you can say “bye bye buy… er” as they NSYNC right out the front door.

The smallest details will bring you the biggest rewards… unless you’re Napoleon in the boudoir. So, when you’re ready to construct your authentically sexy listing and sell your home for market value, you know whom to call! 

Johnny ‘Chew’erdine | Real Estate Beaver of Record