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Hang on to the loins of your fruit; we are going to explore two radical topics that have been subjectively banned by the dudbeats of real estate (you ‘may or may not’ know who you are!). These unauthorized real estate tips are imperative to helping you find the perfect home with the perfect neighbours.
PROLOGUE
Let it be known that these two articles you’re about to read derive from years of extensive research and hours of hands-on experience, providing an incalculable wealth of knowledge that will send a shiver of appeal down the curb of your spine.
CURB-A-LICIOUS
Finding or creating the perfect living situation goes beyond the structure itself; the exterior vibe can make or break relationships with the community around you. Now, I’m not going to discuss items such as well-maintained lawns, porch couches, automobiles with missing doors, double-wide trailers, shed and breakfasts, shopping cart repairmen, or even the presence of backpacked middle-aged guys on bicycles (surely these topics have been beaten to death by other realtors?). Instead, I am going to cover the two most important signs of curb appeal, that…
“Enough foreplay! The suspense is killing me! What are these two radical topics?” OK, OK, OK… let’s get to it. The two topics are…
SWINGERS AND DOORS
“I like swingers and doors, cigarettes and dope, mustard and bologna, swingers and doors.”
PART ONE: 6 Signs Your Home Is Exuding Swinger Vibes
Let’s shoot from the hips; it should be exceedingly easy to identify a swinger’s home, thanks to their ‘not-so-subtle’ curb appeal. After all, swingers do want to be found, especially by you: a spontaneous passerby who swing-a-lings until the wee hours of “dehydration-o-cock”.
But what if you live under a hard and monogamous rock, incapable of identifying the signs of a swinger? Are you frequently the guest of honour at swap-sprees extraordinaire and can’t contemplate why? Are you unknowingly exuding swinger vibes?
Fret the sweat no longer; John Edward Hewerdine III to the rescue (if rescuing is what you truly fancy). I will save you from those embarrassing ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ moments with these six bone-a-fide décor choices that scream “swingaz in da hood!”
1. FIVE-POINTED STARS: The ultimate sign of a swinger, each point represents the five basic swinging senses: moaning, groaning, boning, loaning and cloning. Also, like a 5-star Google review, the number of stars displayed signifies a home’s swinger rating (knock on the door for photos and testibonials). Oh sure, snopes.com has tried to debunk this rumour, but inside sources state it was just a decoy. You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet, can you?
2. PINEAPPLE DOOR KNOCKERS: Genial and hospitable, the door is always open; all you have to do is knock… boots. All jokes aside, an actual pineapple on the porch is a signal that a raging social gathering is in full “swing”.
3. GARDEN GNOMES: Small humanoid creatures with pointed… hats, and long, bushy… beards. They are seen engaging in many positions and activities, such as lying down and smoking pipes. Legend has it that gnomes prevent evil from penetrating a swinger’s home.
4. WHITE ROCKS: Used primarily in suburban, white-collar neighbourhoods, this is a signal for those aligning their human self with everyone’s divine nature. Come inside if you are a spiritual being, seeking human experiences. Just make sure you get the owner’s rocks off… the lawn.
5. HOT TUBS: The ultimate monogamous fly trap; be alert when invited to a hot tub party that’s past your bedtime, or you may become the Fred Astaire in your own version of the movie ‘Swing Time’.
6. ROMAN NUMERAL HOUSE NUMBERS: No one swing-swang-swonged more than the Ancient Romans: “When in Rome, do the Romans” and conquer vast amounts of territorial bone zones.
A LOT TO TAKE IN
Enlightened? Overwhelmed by the gewgaws and gimcracks displayed on the exterior of homes? Nevertheless, now that you’re oscillating with sexpertise (you’re welcome) and can identify the subtle signs of a swinger’s lair, you’re ready for part two. Stay tuned, when next week we explore the mysterious comings-on behind coloured front doors.
