Home June 8, 2021

3 Hip Thrusting Real Estate Blurbs That Will Make The Status Quo Squirm

Settle in, my innovative thirst quencher, as I am going to share with you a few of my general listing descriptions that were deemed over-stimulating by the feckless monsters of mediocrity. These dud-barians strived to subjectively censor and/or edit my work, depriving you of the full John Edward Hewerdine III real estate experience (which you deserve).

Listing a home is a lot like posting an online dating profile:
1. You make yourself look desirable (Clean, Stage and Photos)
2. Write a captivating blurb (General Description)
3. Insert your personal details (MLS Specifications)
4. Upload your finalized profile online (Realtor.ca)
5. Match with your next paramour and set up a date (Showing)
6. Fall in love and propose (Submit an Agreement of Purchase and Sale)
7. Get married and live happily ever after? (Sell the house!)

If you were trying to sell yourself and land the lover of your dreams, would you cut corners with any of these steps?

Now before you dare gaze beyond the wordsmith gates of erotica, I recommend that you close your eyes, take a deep breath, and relax. Clear your mind, my avid little entertainment enthusiast. Reach down into the deep dark depths of your cranium bank vault, slide that note of uncensored threats across the cerebrum wicket counter, flash your pistol of confidence at the customer censorship representative, and withdraw the most perverted and sick, twisted fantasies you can possibly imagine. Cash in those disgusting thoughts, my delinquent deviant, and exchange them for the most offensive real estate blurb dreams can conjure.

Enough foreplay; let’s begin with an authentic example of a status quo listing description. If this inexplicably holds your attention for more than a split-second (and you don’t drop dead of boredom), then take note of how it makes you feel.

Located in the heart of Anytown, this home on a cul-de-sac has much to offer. Very well maintained and move-in ready. With 3 bedrooms on the main level, you can use the 2 bedrooms & office on the lower level for other personal needs. Don’t need the extra room for an office, then easily convert it back to a larger rec room with a fireplace. Need 2 offices and a workout space, you’re set. A large rear yard that has room to run and play, patio space, build a garden or add a pool. A short walk to shopping, community centre and school from this central location. The eastern redbud tree in the front is a gorgeous site when it blooms in the spring. Be sure to have a look!

Now let’s read three of my general listing descriptions. These are designed to send a jolt of stimulation through the senses and make a lasting impression that will shiver your timber. Keep in mind that with my official listings, each description would be accompanied with all of the necessary specifications a realtor and buyer require for making a logical decision.

Reader discretion is advised, or is it? Prepare to be offended, or possibly refreshed?

JOHNNY’S LISTING DESCRIPTION #1 (SOLD $105,000 over asking in just 7 days)
Lock down with your loved ones in this two-storey, semi-detached, tasty abode that features 3 beds, 1 + 2 baths, a finished basement, a single car garage, and a large back deck that will make your hips thrust.

Savour a warm beverage at the crack of dawn on your quiet, traffic-reduced crescent. Surrender to your cravings atop your new quartz kitchen counter. Put your on-demand water heater to the test with an unlimited, hot, steamy shower. Reapply to Western University (just a 5 minute drive!) and hobnob with perspicacious professors. Ameliorate your swimming skills with your close proximity to 2 x 50m pools. Escape the city in seconds and ride north towards the 100km scenic shoreline of Ontario’s West Coast. Delight in your evenings basking by a cozy fire, or perched at your private bar.

Schools, walking trails, shopping, dining… within seconds, this home will make all of your untamed fantasies come true!

JOHNNY’S LISTING DESCRIPTION #2 (SOLD $100,000 over asking in just 6 days)
Fall in love all over again when you feast your eyes on this 1.5 storey, scrumptious hearthstone that features 3 beds, 2 baths, a finished basement, parking spaces a-plenty, and an enormous backyard workshop that has been erected for all of your tinkering and tool-storing needs.

Relish each morning with a beverage of choice as the sun lights up your delicious kitchen. Drink from the fountain of youth with your intermediary location between Western University and Fanshawe College. Toil away in your lofty home office, or simply retire with some music or television in your fully finished lower level. Relax after a long day of hard work with a soothing bath in your newly-renovated bathroom. Make merry your evenings on the front porch while absorbing a captivating sunset, or simply waving hello to your neighbours.

Schools, parks, shopping, dining… within seconds, this is the home you’ve been longing for!

JOHNNY’S LISTING DESCRIPTION #3 (SOLD $135,000 over asking in 12 hours)
Make haste and experience this listing in the way it was meant to be, before the “pertinent” information guards cast this elucidation to the dud-geon, and shackle its chance at a fair market trial.

Stripped to the bare bone with only studs in sight, this once-antiquated interior has now been refashioned with renovations so sensual, that even the most articulate description can only capture a mere puny portion of its true essence.

This newly-declared Energy Star-certified home includes enhancements such as a big deck, shed, freshly painted siding, electrical, plumbing, heating/cooling ducts, stacked laundry, bathroom, kitchen, living room, master bedroom with a walk-in-closet, and a partially finished basement with a legal sized window for a quick and discreet escape.

Fantasize about the spray foam insulation parties that left this home with an airtight seal, preventing leakage and increasing energy efficiency for your monthly budget delight. Imagine yourself preparing hors d’oeuvres on your granite kitchen countertops, while carrying on with your guests across your open concept design.

Take your parties to the next level inside the newly added loft, which can be used as an extra bedroom, office, dance floor, or even an exercise studio. Chisel your thews with a floor so sturdy, it can handle as many squat thrusts and hip lunges as one can dream of.

With its convenient location to schools, parks, shopping, dining, downtown and easy access to the 401… this home will surely peel your banana of excitement!

Have you spontaneously combusted into an array of anti-gravity moonwalks? Or are you one click away from sending a distressed email to daddy, demanding these “inappropriate” descriptions be stripped from the chambers of cyberspace?

Play it safe, or push the boundaries? The choice is obvious…or is it?

When it is time to sell your home, will your agent cut corners, be paralyzed by fear and walk the snorefest line of status quo? Or will they obliterate the box of normalcy and sear your listing into the minds of the perfect buyer? Choose your own adventure.

Hire my real estate services, and together we will exude the confidence needed to send an electric shock down the spines of even the lowest squeaky denominator. We will recreate emotions for your potential buyers that have not been felt since the days of puberty and first loves. We will sell your home with dominance.