QUIZ: The 7 Stages of Homebuyer’s Grief (where my home-ies at?)

WARNING
This article may cause anti-humourists to experience feelings of anger, resentment, and arousal. Reader discretion is advised.

HOMELET
To buy, or not to buy…
To sell, or not to sell…
To burn down my house for insurance, or not to burn down my house for insurance…

Are these really the questions you want the answers to? (These topics have been beaten to death!)

LEND THY TONGUE TO ALL BUT FEW THY EARS
Let’s slip the fwitch, just for a moment, and insert something practical into your social media feed (saving you from the bombardment of political memes, full hearts, and information hackers). This article will discuss the months of self-inflicted torment that consumers experience during the home buying process: I call it ‘The 7 Stages of Homebuyer’s Grief’. If you’ve bought a property in the last five years, or are out there shopping, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

THE QUIZ
Before we delve into the depths of each stage, I have prepared this personality quiz to enhance your learning experience, and above all, your carnal enjoyment.

Seize a quill and parchment and select all answers that apply…

1. How do you feel about the current real estate market?
a) I’m in a state of disbelief that the market has soared in price.
b) I should have bought prior to 2016 when I had the chance.
c) This market transforms me into a despicable human.
d) It forces me to post depressing memes on the interweb.
e) I have accepted the market for what it is and I am at peace with it.
f) Methinks the market may not be as “CRAZY” as the media writes about.
g) Fate, show thy force; homeownership is my destiny!

2. How do you feel about realtors and/or will you be hiring Johnny?
a) Realtors are bull-pizzles; homes sell themselves!
b) Realtors frighten me because I read far too many news articles.
c) I’m going to select a realtor other than Johnny; what’s done is done.
d) I’ve selected someone else and regretted it; if you pardon, we will mend.
e) Johnny is fair-faced and gallant. Perhaps he is the realtor for me?
f) Johnny will thrust greatness upon me; I will reach out for his services.
g) The air breathes upon us here most sweetly; I love working with Johnny!

3. How do you feel about buying a home in 2021?
a) Hey eel-skin, this market will “CRASH” and that’s when I slip in!
b) I’m green-eyed of all homeowners cashing in at prices I refuse to pay.
c) I’m the exception to the rule; I’ll buy a home at 35% under market value.
d) Self-pity, hopelessness, bitterness and frustration. Shall I continue?
e) Pardon? Plebeians are buying homes? Surely, I can buy a home too.
f) I am devising a devious plan and I will soon unleash home-buying fury.
g) I’ve gradually accepted the possibility of buying my new humble abode.

4. How do you feel when home shopping?
a) This market is an embossed carbuncle (disgusting!).
b) I’m sick to my stomach that I didn’t purchase five years ago (if only!).
c) I’m going to crack the real estate code and get a “deal”.
d) I’ve given up, and whether we shall meet again I know not.
e) I feel hopeful. If Uncle Claudius can buy a home, so can I.
f) I’m no three-inch fool. I’m going to shop for homes within my price range.
g) Put money in thy purse; the next home is mine!

5. How do you feel when you submit an offer?
a) Offers? Ha! The market will “CRASH”, and that’s when I thrust in!
b) I submit embarrassingly low offers because “you never know”.
c) I still add conditions in my offer as if it was the year 1615.
d) Why bother? I’m just going to lose anyways. I need a stiff one.
e) Neither here nor there, why should I care? I’m in the “no care” zone.
f) I am sensible. I only submit offers on homes I have a chance of winning.
g) I push the envelope of seduction and only offer my absolute best.

6. How do you react when negotiating a submitted offer?
a) Negotiate? Tell that bum I’m going to decrease my already lowball price!
b) I never budge, and when I lose it slowly chips away at my soul.
c) I beg the real estate gods, “I’ll do anything if you grant me this home!”
d) Why bother? I’m just going to lose anyways, and then cry myself to sleep.
e) I keep calm and cool, like a mist-watered eggplant.
f) I reconsider my offer and politely ask how I can appease the seller.
g) I kick the door down and slap an undeniable offer across the seller’s face.

7. Your thoughts when losing a multiple-offer situation…
a) How much did it sell for? These prices are “CRAZY” man!
b) I’m done playing these games. I avoid all multiple-offer situations.
c) I’m furious that the sellers didn’t accept my insulting lowball offer.
d) I’ll never attain a home in this “CRAZY” market. I surrender!
e) I take a deep breath and think, “Is there hope for me?”
f) I ask what the winning bid was and then get back to the drawing board.
g) Mark my words: the next home will be mine!

8. Which eccentric answer do you gravitate towards?
a) The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended the nostril.
b) One pain is lessened by another’s anguish.
c) In time we hate which we often fear.
d) I like this place and could willingly waste my time in it.
e) I feel within me a market peace above all earthly dignities.
f) Strong reasons make strong actions.
g) My mind and courage will never falter with doubt or shake with fear.

RESULTS: ‘THE 7 STAGES OF HOMEBUYER’S GRIEF’ EXPLAINED
Tally your results. Below is a description of each stage, plus an estimated timeframe of how long it will take you to achieve property purchasing pre-eminence.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL (If respondent answered mostly A)
DESCRIPTION: You’re thunderstruck that market prices have soared to new heights. You may be living in the past and exuding closed-minded energy. Denying reality is your defense mechanism to help process and accept the change around you.
TIMEFRAME TO HOME-BUYING SUCCESS: Infinity

2. PAIN & GUILT (If respondent answered mostly B )
DESCRIPTION: The truth has hit you and the pain is unbearable. You are probably paralyzed with fear to buy a home, and the longer you wait, the higher prices soar. If you are a renter, it’s only a matter of time before your landlord casts you into the streets for a higher paying tenant. Eviction looms over you like the Grim Reaper lurking at your bedroom window, waiting to take your homebuyer’s soul.
TIMEFRAME TO THE NEXT STAGE: 24+ Months

3. ANGER & BARGAINING (If respondent answered mostly C)
DESCRIPTION: These emotions have been activated because you perceive the market to be only in the favour of the seller. You sway back and forth from 1) hating all homeowners, and 2) begging the real estate gods to help you win a multiple-offer situation. It angers you that sellers won’t accept your lowball offer, but if the roles were reversed, you would hate the very buyer you have become.
TIMEFRAME TO HOME-BUYING SUCCESS: 12-24 Months

4. DEPRESSION (If respondent answered mostly D)
DESCRIPTION: You’ve temporarily stopped looking for homes on realtor.ca, and you’ve even cut communication with your real estate agent. You’ve lost more multiple-offers than you can count and have temporarily given up on homeownership. Chances are you keep losing multiple-offers because you strive for a home out of your price range.
TIMEFRAME TO HOME-BUYING SUCCESS: 6-12 Months

5. THE UPWARD TURN (If respondent answered mostly E)
DESCRIPTION: You’ve had time to breathe and process the current market. You’re relaxed, calm, and cool (and it’s not because you are sipping on a CBD infused beverage). You are starting to look at the market from a different perspective and are warming up to the possibility of home ownership.
TIMEFRAME TO HOME-BUYING SUCCESS: 3-6 Months

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH (If respondent answered mostly F)
DESCRIPTION: You’ve asked yourself: “How am I going to realistically attain a home?” and you are creating a blueprint for success which includes: listening to Johnny, looking at homes in your price range, creating budgets to eliminate frivolous expenses, getting second opinions from other mortgage specialists, and asking friends or family for financial aid, etc.
TIMEFRAME TO HOME-BUYING SUCCESS: 2-3 Months

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE (If respondent answered mostly G)
DESCRIPTION: You have gradually accepted the possibility of home ownership and are ready to unleash an arsenal of knowledge into the market. You have a blitzkrieg strategy of attack, and are ready to invade any multiple-offer battlefield. Prepare to storm the gates my liege; your new home is just around the corner.
TIMEFRAME TO HOME-BUYING SUCCESS: 1-2 Months

STAGE 7: THE BE-ALL AND END-ALL
We know what we are, but not what we may be. I have worked with a lot of buyers, and I can tell you with certainty that you must be in Stage 7 to become triumphant in today’s market.

WHAT’S YOUR MOTIVATION?
Let’s help find your home-buying motivation and get you to Stage 7, quick!

What motivates a successful homebuyer? Well, all that glitters is not gold, and contrary to what you might think, the answer is rarely money.

Top 3 Buyer Motivators
1. Facing homelessness with only a short window to buy.
2. Couples in love; excited to start a life together.
3. Escaping from an uncomfortable living situation (annoying parents, etc.)

Top 3 Buyer Deterrents
1. Renters who are stuck in their comfort zone.
2. Scaredy-cats who read too many news articles.
3. Couples in an already rocky relationship.

THE COURSE OF HOME BUYING NEVER DID RUN SMOOTH
It is indeed a seller’s market, but I must tell you friendly in your ear, buy when you can, you are not for all markets, AKA “hurry up and get your ass into Stage 7”. Understanding the ‘7 Stages of Homebuyer’s Grief’ will save you from a drawn-out, wild-property-goose chase.

Now go forth, you are no longer just a mere home-buying player. Move swiftly with haste and use this bone-bending knowledge to conquer the real estate market.

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