Lifestyle July 9, 2022

The Two-Part Article to The Summer of Love: 10 Hot Tips and Cool Trips for the Lonely Londoner (PART ONE: Just the Tips)

Hey London, are you new to town, single, bored and/or lonesome? If the answer is a gobsmacking “YES”, then I have some glad tidings: 2022 has been declared the summer of love!

Thanks to a housing market extravaganza, the Forest City has experienced a surge in population and a splurge in divorce rates. This has resulted in an influx of available babes and studs just waiting to blast your love-starved life into oblivion!

I understand this could be an (s)exhilarating bulletin to read and a lot of information to swallow, so before you give in to your natural urge to grind anything with a pulse, let’s review some vital dating strategies. Trust me, you don’t want to blow… this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to impress Mr. and or Mrs. Right… Now.

1. HOMEOWNERSHIP. Living in your mom’s basement is an anti-aphrodisiac (refer to my article ‘The #1 Quality That Boss Babes Look for in a Man’). If you don’t own a home, call me ASAP.
2. AUTHENTICITY. Be your authentic self, it’s attractive… unless you live in your mom’s basement, then you should pretend to be someone else (preferably a homeowner).
3. CONFIDENCE. Remember, your date is more scared of you than you are of them.
4. BOOZE + DANGER. Lose all inhibitions and create a penetrable bond by putting your lives at risk.
5. MINIMAL EYE CONTACT. Never sit across from each other; sit side-by-side and avoid awkward moments.
6. FOOD. Bring snacks; you’ll need to stay nourished and energized when staring into the eyes of danger.
7. SET LOW EXPECTATIONS. Keep it simple and don’t frighten your date; booking a helicopter ride, buying a ring, or applying for a HELOC (Home Equity Line of Credit) on the first date is deranged.
8. FLATULENCE. Couples that fart together, stay together.
9. DISTRACTIONS. Send texts and answer phone calls during your date; make them feel special by squeezing them into your busy schedule.
10. MYSTERIOSO. Ask your date probing questions and let them monologue for hours; don’t reveal too much information about yourself beyond homeownership.

Agreed, this dating information is a game changer, but before you hastily strap on those alluring wedged sandals (ladies) and unleash the animal lure of those multi-pocketed cargo shorts (gentlemen), remember that homeownership is the number one secret to true love.

Stay tuned for part two of this article: Just the Trips. Until then, if you need more dating and homeownership advice, you know whom to call! (John Edward Hewerdine III)